Keri Hall Story of BII

Self love

I want to share today about something I have been going through this year. Very raw and vulnerable. But I hope it can help those of you struggling with self love.

Before I got implants, I was 95lbs and very flat chested. I had a very hard time gaining weight, as being thin runs in my family.

Of course I heard all the comments growing up and into my 20s about being anorexic, being called a 12 year old, hearing people say “bones are for dogs” and being told to go eat a cheeseburger. I was made to feel I wasn’t a “real woman”. My exes would cheat on me all the time or I’d catch my kids dad watching a lot of adult films. I had a lot of trauma surrounding my weight and flat chest and I felt unworthy.

I turned to breast implants in hopes of feeling worthy and loving myself. And right after ended up pregnant with my daughter and finally got over 100lbs. I finally had “the body I always wanted” at this point.

Fast forward to becoming sick from BII 8 years later. Explanting brought back all the unhealed trauma of being small chested. The universe finally decided it was time for me to face these old wounds. To work through them and heal my mind. Which I did! I spent so much time healing my mind. And I finally thought I fully and completely loved myself unconditionally. I accepted and now loved my small chest. And I felt confident in my natural self. But that wasn’t the end of the healing story.

In December 2023 I caught covid. Right after having covid I developed Infectious Colitis (a bad inflammatory infection in my gut), which after doing some research I think was triggered by covid. During that infection, I lost 10lbs. Which for me is a lot. As I am normally around 115lbs. After taking antibiotics for the infection and starting to feel better, I was determined to gain my weight back. I started feeling those old self hatred feelings from when I used to be underweight. Old trauma I didn’t realize was still unhealed, started rearing it’s ugly head again. I started getting triggered again by comments on Facebook about thin women looking sickly. And it made me feel negatively about myself all over again.

I quickly gained weight back up to about 112lbs. I never got back to 115lbs. Because as I started feeling comfortable in my body again, the infection came back and I quickly lost all the weight I had put back on. Except this time, I dropped even more because I hadn’t gotten the full 115lb back and ended up somewhere around 100lbs.

I started feeling extremely depressed in my body again. When I’d start feeling better I’d try to start working out and put weight back on. But each time I’d start trying, I’d always end up feeling sick and unable to continue. I stopped living my normal summer life of going to the pool and being active because I didn’t want to put on a bikini or wear shorts anymore. I felt ashamed of myself again. I even found myself apologizing to my husband for my body. Which I realized was because of old trauma and totally uncalled for. He reassured me I was still beautiful and he loved me no matter what. But my subconscious had me thinking he would cheat. Even though I know he is a good man and would never.

Then in July, I had surgery to remove the clips from my tubal ligation. I couldn’t even attempt to work out for two months. And my diet was so limited from the gut issues and me being afraid of the infection symptoms coming back. So I couldn’t even eat foods to help me gain weight back. I spent the second half of summer healing from surgery and hiding in my apt. Which was also difficult cause right before my surgery, my husband had got a new job 3 hours from our home town and we had moved. So I was alone a lot. In my depressive thoughts. Hating myself. Wondering why the universe would not let me gain weight back.

But then somewhere a long the line of my self hatred and being an admin here where I’m constantly preaching self love, I realized… I needed to take my own advice.

You see, the universe wouldn’t let me gain weight back because I had a wound. A wound that needed to be healed that had been in the back of my subconscious for 14 years. A wound that needed me to acknowledge it, feel it, and pour love into it. So I did. I started doing my own self love healing exercises. Telling myself I loved myself no matter what size I am. And accepting this body.

I also couldn’t gain weight because it was coming from a place of hatred. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I needed to take a step back and work through all the old pain that this underweight body had brought me in the past. I needed to learn to accept who I am naturally. Not just with my small chest but fully… the whole body, naturally. I needed to work out for the right reasons. To be strong and healthy. Not because I wanted to gain weight because I hated myself.

I fully believe that everything we go through is meant to help teach us something. For so many of us, this journey is meant to help us fully love and accept who we are. It’s not an easy journey. It’s scary, it’s frustrating, it’s absolutely the most difficult thing some of us will go through… but it’s leading you down a road where you will come to a fork. One side is love and acceptance but a much more difficult road to travel and the other is self hatred. I hope all of you find your way down the love and acceptance road, no matter how hard it is.

The left picture shows me at 115lbs about 3 months before the illnesses and then at about 100lbs after surgery. And then me yesterday because I finally feel comfortable and confident no matter what my weight is.